Ramblings of a Mad Cow

Thanks to David for finding this gem!

Apparently, these are the kinds of reviews left by folks who buy milk online:

MOOOOOOOOVE OVER SAFEWAY!, February 1, 2006 Reviewer: Matthew A. Clement – See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This milk was so good, I passed out. When I woke up 3 weeks later, apes ruled the earth. It was crazy. DRINK THIS MILK!

Breakfast nooks of darkness, July 20, 2006 Reviewer: Gunter Doorgunner (Daytona Beach, FL) – See all my reviews

My grown children and I sat down to breakfast this morning looking forawrd to trying this new… milk we bought online. At 1st it seemed absurd to buy milk and have it shipped at almost 3 times the cost of the milk itself. But then we… tasted it. It didn’t taste like milk at all. It tasted… better. This could not have come from a cow. Men of great knowledge must have… engineered this substance. I couldn’t help myself, I had to have more. I finished my glass like a man just rescued from the desert. And I remember… I… I… I cried… I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized… like I was shot… like I was shot with a diamond… a diamond bullet right through my forehead… and I thought: My God… the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we.

Saved My Baby’s Life, July 20, 2006 Reviewer: N. Strassner “Dairy Connaisseur” (Bermuda Triangle) – See all my reviews (REAL NAME) The exact minute I got my milk, my baby’s new face burst into flames. I used the gallon to extinguish my baby. Next time, I’ll order 2 gallons. Thank you, milk. Thank YOU!

Go read them all!

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