Ramblings of a Mad Cow

I’m beginning to feel that hockey spirit, so I thought I’d dust these off. Here are the 10 Commandments for Hockey Fans, courtesy of Hockey Attitude

I: Thou shalt keep thy butt in thou’s seat whenever the puck is in play

No need for a master’s degree for this one. When there is action on the ice you need to be paying attention to it. Not getting up to pee, not getting something to eat, not doing anything but watching the game. Besides, it blocks the view of all the other fans trying to watch the freaking game.

II: Thou shalt not put any team before the home team

Meaning other teams in the same league. Again someone less than a rocket scientist could see the importance here. If you don’t root for the home team in your own arena, then go home. You’re taking up valuable space and air.

III: Thou shalt dress appropriately so that one can be recognized for which team you are allianced to, and so that there will be no need for fixing hair, makeup, and assorted bra-straps during the game

We know that this may be lost on some of you male types out there. Deal. Look all you PB wannabees, grooming is for the bathroom mirror, the rear-view mirror, and whatever reflects back when you stumble out of someone’s house you don’t know in the middle of the night trying to find your car. Not in your seat at a hockey game. And yes, we need to know what team your rooting for. So wear your colors proud.

IV: Thou shalt not have disruptive electronic communicative devices at your seat during a hockey game

What could be more important than a hockey game? Your child is sick? NO. Your grandmother just died? NO. You just lost your job because you called in sick again to see the game? NO. So leave them in the car where they belong.

V: Thou shalt not covet the visiting team’s players

Ok, we admit that we sometimes slip up on this one. But it just isn’t right drooling over a player in an enemy jersey. And yes, this one maybe lost on some of you guys out there, or maybe not??

VI: Thou shalt allow others to fully express themselves at all times during hockey games

Yes Grandma, it’s a hockey game. Not the library. If you don’t want your kids learning those words don’t seat them near us. If loud noises bother you, you may want to take up yoga. But whatever you do, don’t tell us to shut up, because we are there to let the team know we support them in the loudest way possible.

VII: Thou shalt do everything humanly possible to disrupt the opposing goaltender

Of all the commandments this is our most favorite and easy to follow. Find the flaw, odd quirk, or unusual body part and throw the goalie off his game. The more he’s thinking about what we’re going to yell next, the more goals go in for our team. (Note from Babyvett: This holds especially true with Travis Scott of the San Antonio Rampage)

VIII: Thou shalt take the referee’s name in vain (My personal favorite)

Goes without saying. They are all jackasses who can’t see two inches in front of their own faces. They are lower forms of life. They are just plain stupid. So they frequently need to be reminded of where to go.

IX: Thou shalt not die during a hockey game

We really did not think that this commandment was necessary, but it happened to someone near us during a playoff game. Talk about disruptive! There were paramedics all over the place, devibulators going off, IV’s dripping. Eweeeuuuu. So just don’t.

X: Thou shalt cheer as hard as possible for the home team, no matter what the score is, no matter what the season record is

This is for all you fair weather idiots out there who really don’t understand hockey, or life for that matter. You don’t get exactly what you want all the time do you? And you don’t expect to have everything your way all the time? Get a life and grow up. It’s more fun to win when you know what’s it’s like to lose.

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